I always imagined I’d grow up to be a Carrie Bradshaw-esque young woman. Glamorous, witty, the greatest wardrobe on earth. I would write wonderful things in the mornings and sip delicious cocktails with beautiful people in the evenings.
Needless to say, I am none of those things. I do get to drink delicious things with beautiful people quite often, and my wardrobe is pretty impressive; however I’m not very glamorous and my wit is lost on most of my foreign friends. I don’t know if I would be happier living that life I watched on TV – sometimes I think I would be, sometimes I don’t. Mostly though, I promise that I’ll work towards living a life more like the one I always imagined I would have. A lot of it is there already, but a lot of it isn’t.
I’ve been feeling terribly stuck recently. Inadequate. Lost. Maybe a little unhappy. I have no idea what I truly want to do with my life… no, that’s a lie. I know exactly what I want to do, I just don’t know how to do it. It’s complicated, and expensive and kind of terrifying because right now it’s all a bunch of “maybes” and “if this then that”. I don’t like being unsure. I don’t like things hanging by a thread. But that’s just how it is right now. And then there’s the What Exactly I Should Do dilemma – in order to pursue a teaching career I need certain qualifications, but to pursue my dreams (not that teaching isn’t a dream)… well, that’s not conducive to my career. Rock and a hard place or, as I like to call it, My Life. Knowing that there may actually be an option is a good thing, but not knowing whether that option is truly viable… That’s killing me. I’m still stuck.
It’s not that I don’t love what I am doing right now – I mostly do, but it isn’t what I truly want to be doing. It’s not even halfway to being it. I have time – somehow it’s never enough time – to write, to see my friends, to watch TV shows and read books that I enjoy, and that’s nothing to groan about. How many people get to say that they have time to focus on doing things that make them happy? But there’s still this awful sense of inadequacy on my part; I don’t have a degree which means I can’t really pursue the career I want to, I don’t read the right books, I don’t have time to take care of my body as well as I want to, I don’t see my friends as often as I would like to, I don’t spend enough time with Boyfriend, I don’t contribute enough financially, I say ‘no’ more often than I say ‘yes’… All of those things make me feel like I’m not good enough, and I want to be better, I really do. I just don’t know how to do it. I’m trying to figure it out, but it sometimes feels like the Universe is conspiring against me. No matter what I do, all I seem to find are twenty foot walls with barbed wire and broken glass and zero footholds.
So I’m trying not to feel like I do right now. By paying attention to what I can do, and enjoying the moments that I have to do that things I love most – like finishing my NaNo Novel. (Yup, I did it. 52,911 words.). And having a wonderful afternoon with Aneta yesterday, or having time to sort laundry and clean my house and make hungover Boyfriend breakfast in bed today, or being able to drink a glass of wine to celebrate winning NaNo (yup, I’m really gonna just repeat this achievement for the next month or three). I’m paying attention to what my therapist is telling me, and what my body is telling me, and what my brain is telling me. I’m taking time to run myself a bath or eat a nice meal or have a Facebook chat with friends. I’m talking about what’s worrying me instead of holding it all inside until I can’t anymore.
Mostly, I’m trying.
I just hope that all my trying will pay off eventually.